I have dedicated so many articles in this blog to the idea of writing something and writing it well. Admittedly, I attempt to write with well-constructed sentences and thoughts that can give imagery to what it is I am thinking. But I made a joke to Hannah Carlson tonight about her writing in her own blog on what things she would look for in an eventual mate, a good-hearted man that would sweep her off her feet. Her response – “I’m 15.” First off, I wish more Christian high school students had her mindset. What’s the point in dating if you’re not ready to be married? Second, I’ve always said she’s got to lay off the wonderful baking or else she’ll get a marriage proposal quite prematurely. Third, this whole idea got me thinking, “Can a blog be written about something absurd and still be written well? Is it possible for me to write in a way that is beautiful and preposterous? I say yes – hey, I just used the word “preposterous.” And as many of my friends have written blogs with a list of things about themselves, why not apply that as the subject matter? So here it goes: my beautiful, preposterous blog featuring the top 10 things I am looking for in a mate.
- She must be a woman – If I don’t lay this one down hard, there will be difficulties. Notice I said a woman, not a girl. Adam didn’t date a girl. He married a woman. He started the trend. I’m sticking with it. So ladies, don’t even bother if you’re not a woman.
- She needs to weigh less than me – I’ve made this relatively easy to achieve. The problem comes when I have to ask the woman to get up on the scales. It’s the pivotal moment. I’ll either propose or run for my life. And if I have to run for my life, that means I’m going to lose even more weight, making it harder for the next candidate.
- She must have a certain disdain for country music – Don’t even try to pursue me with the hope of having “Our Song” Taylor Swift style. You’ll get “slamming screen doors” in the face.
- She must be able to tell me “I love you” in French – French is the language of love, so this seems like a reasonable request. And since I don’t know how to say this in French myself, you can fake it.
- She should already have a mini-van picked out – I don’t know how many children we’re going to have, but better be safe than sorry. If you’ve got your sights set on one of those “smart” cars, you might as well join a convent.
- She must understand how to do laundry – This is not a reference to doing it all the time. She just needs to do it right when she does. Apparently, this is not common knowledge. I’ve stopped counting the number of women I have seen put the laundry in first, then the detergent. That is so uncivilized! Turn the water on, pour the detergent in, and then put the clothes in.
- She must have successfully beaten the game Super Mario Galaxy – I have been playing Mario games all my life. I have found so much identity in being a small Italian plumber on a quest through hoards of enemies to rescue his precious one, the Princess. I will do the same for you. But you’ll never understand that mindset unless you’ve done it yourself. Plus, how can you not love Super Mario Galaxy? Wahoo!
- She needs to own an iPhone 4 – This isn’t a status thing. I’m simply dying to try out this Face Time feature which only functions with another iPhone 4. Might as well as be with you, baby.
- She must appreciate WALL-E – I will have to make a concession somewhere and watch some chick flicks, no doubt. But if there is a movie out there that is more romantic than a slick space-age robot falling in love with a waste-management hunk of junk, I certainly haven’t seen it. And come on! It features scenes from Hello Dolly – the perfect day. “Put on your Sunday clothes, there’s lots of world out there!” This movie was simply made for one purpose – you and I to have a romantic evening together. Unless, of course, the kids stay up and watch it with us…ummm…on second thought, no. They can watch it with us in the morning. Just you and me for the evening showing, which by the way, will be in Blu-Ray. It’s so detailed and beautiful in that format. I’m beginning to think that I am more in love with this movie than I am with this potential mate. Well, you’d better appreciate then.
- She will be a volunteer fire-fighter – Why? Because it’s the best I could do at the end of this ridiculous list.
There you have it. Beautiful and preposterous? I think I got the latter down, but I’m lacking a little in the beauty department. Maybe that’s because in all truthfulness, whatever goals I could have for a wife, she will be far more beautiful than anything I could ever dream up or ever deserve. One thing is for sure – her beauty will consist of the purity of her heart that she has in the blood of Christ. My only hope is that I can carry out what Paul commanded the Ephesian husbands – love her as Christ loves the church. What a high and holy calling! It’s a calling I hope one day to answer with a woman who fears the Lord with all her heart…and perhaps has beaten Super Mario Galaxy.